Stop Comparing Your Life With Mine - Dan Nikmat Tuhanmu yang Manakah yang Kaudustakan
"Dan, nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kaudustakan?"
QS. 55:13
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I am sick to hear this saying between my folks.
"You have a good beauty face."
"Your life is easy, girl."
"You are rich, me not."
"You are clever, so it is easy for you."
"You ..."
Maybe, all those people think that I am not a grateful person.
Or, indeed I am not gracious enough for what I have?
"You have a good beauty face," They said ungratefully to their own face. Those beauty have something following it.
I am. For that I feel grateful. But, what is that people does not know is after taste of having that beauty is people keep catcalling me, wherever I am. Even my hijab is not helping me to get trough it. Have you ever in a public place and some man wildly look at your body bottom-up and say, "You have a nice butt, babe."
Or something more sensual like, "Wanna fly with my bird?". Or, the most shocking thing in my life when someone grab my butt, when my father is technically in front of me not aware of it. You don't, do you? Because of fear, I always wear baggy clothes, choose those things that make me look tomboyish rather than girlish, and digging a grave for my feminin side so that I can feel secure. Choose activity that make me look stronger so those rapist mind boys, or men don't ever again, disturb me. All that thing, I do it. Eventough I like girlish and cute things.
and, yet, nothing changed.
"Your life is easy girl, you have everything you need to support you." I almost fall for this trap too.
When, I remember all the things that I have been trough, I can't disagree. Yes. I have it easy. All the things that happened in my life was going literally according to my plan. Literally, Everything. When, I was five, I said I didn't want to go to kindergarten. My parents registered me at the best primary school in Pinang Baris, SD Swasta Teladan School. I am registered at 1997. I like that school, very much. Eventhough, most of the kid came from Hokien or Chinese.
That time I still have my ambition to learn. I am not feel different because of my white skin since all of them have it too. No one knows (except the teacher) that I am actually Bataknesse. But then, that '98 tragedy came, and I need to move to another place, since my school became a target of raid. I hate those time the most. Because of that, I am registered at one of government school, I can't even remember the name because it just 4 months. But, all of the kids at that school is not Chinese, I am too white-skin, too good at the subject taught in school (of course it is because my previous school and my mom who continuesly teach me at home), and that time racist rate is too high, that makes me easily became a targeted bully. They hate me. It's not happened only to me. My brother has it too. We are too white and people don't believe us when we said that we are Batak. Eventough my parents move me to another school, it still happened. I hate those time back then. Even worse, I can't get the first place in class because of I am a woman. Hahaha ...
Easy, huh?
In Junior High School, I registered at SMPN 42 Medan. This is the best school in my village where my father work too. Here,I don't get any bullies like before, but I am fighting with shadows. Why? Three years at that school, I continuesly get the first place in my year. I learned so hard. Trying to make my father proud so I am not being a burden to his effort and not put shame on his face. Little did I know, people talking behind me that I use a backdoor to get that. "She get that because of her father.", "She is not that clever, it's her father who open the door for her." Three years, I close my ears so that I can focused only to make my parents proud. But the damage put on my heart can not be heal.
Still thinking it's easy?
In Senior High School, I registered at SMAN 3 Medan. It is third best school in my hometown. Easy for me to be accepted in this school since I have good grade before. But ... I made a lot of bad choice here. I lose my best friend due to some stupid-love-like thingy, I lose myself, I lose my ambition since I want to lay low, I even lose my time with my family. I am becaming an angry, rebel, stupid, follower, love-slave teenager. I focused only to myself, to the point I lose my time looking at my brother and my sister growing up. Absent to help them fighting with their life. I hate myself the most that time.
Easy? Hahahha
That's just the part of my life that I want to show you. There's more to my story, but I only show the good one.
"You are rich, me not." Sigh...
Yes, indeed, my parent is rich. And, it is come with price too. We have so little times together. My father work so hard for us, to the point, he wakes up early in the morning, and back home late at night. My mom, most of the time, trying so hard to ease my father by doing housework and later she is also working. Little thing I always try to do was helping my brother and my sister to do their homework from school, so that my parents, at least, can enjoy their free time.
Easy? Nope. Both my siblings was actually hard to handle. My brother was stubborn at the time, and my sister too clingy. Both of them always have the time to fighting each other. And at that time, I felt isolated. I always responsible for their fighting scene and sometimes it frustrating me when my parents scolding me when I was not the one who making the scene.
When I remember that again, I always laughed hard. How came I can't even defend myself and just take the blame? I am not regretting it, though.
Those support have price, dude. And, for us, it is time.
"You are clever, so it is easy for you."
I am not getting it easy, dude. I studied. Studied till late at night. Studied untill my eyes sink in to black chamber. I studied to the point there is no time for me to go to my best friends birthday party. I studied, and not attending to any event at school that are not related to my subject. I studied, so that my life and my problem get easier. I studied, so all those problems I mentioned above can be ignored. I studied, so I can escaped.
Easy? I put a lot of effort to do so!
I don't want to say that you are not put effort to your own fighting. But, to say someone's life is easy in some pointing-finger tone and ignoring the chances that they are having problem to get those so called easy life, is shameful. Shame to you!
Everyone have their own fighting. Yours maybe financial problem, hers maybe mental problem, him maybe love, them maybe divorce. Everyone have their own fighting. So, stop comparing!
It is really tiresome, you know?
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"Dan, nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kaudustakan?"
QS. 55:13
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