Ada saat dimana aku ingin mati
Benar-benar ingin mati
Menutup mata
Mengakhiri semua keresahan dan sesak yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Aku lelah sayang
Tak mampukah kau melihat itu?

Aku lelah dengan sikapmu
Apa salahku?
Kau mendiamkanku layaknya aku hanyalah abu

People said, "Care me please!"

Then I said, "No, sorry, I can't."

Then they said, "Why? You have a good life all the people wish for."

Then I said, "Yes, that's why, I need to choose carefully to whom I can give my attention. If not, I will end up being in that dark creepy scary place again. I don't want that. No. Not again. So, if attention is what you want, go away. I don't have that energy left to give that to you."

Then they say, "Even if I ask? Are you not afraid of losing me?"

I replied calmly, "Yes, even if you ask. I. Have. No. Energy. Left. I already used it for the life that you said 'a good life all the people wish for'. Because your so called 'a good life all the people wish for' thingy means, I need the energy to maintain my feelings towards my family, my relatives, my coworker, my partner in life, my jobs, my close friends, my housework, everythings. And it consume and drain my energy eventhough I love to do so."

"Am I no friends to you?" They reply again.

"Friends? We are."

"Then why? Why am I not included to people that you maintain your relationship with?"

"Because you are demanding me to be a superhuman that never existed to the point I think that you are toxic enough to ruin my mood, my life, and my balance that I maintain really hard to be in a perfect balance for me to run my day. That is why."

"So ... am I a burden?"

"For now, in my state, yes. Not because it's you. It is me who are not capable to give more than this. Because in this state, i have too much in my hand, that if I add one sugar to it, I will lose my sanity. I will explode. So, please ask other people to give attention to you. We still friends. But to help you go trough your anxiety? I am sorry. I can't. Because me, myself need that."

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P.S: this is just a fiction. No need to feel weird.

Ya Allah,
Aku cemburu

Aku cemburu pada mereka yang kauberikan kelebihan
Aku cemburu pada apa-apa yang tak kumiliki
Aku cemburu pada gadis ceria di masa lalu yang tersenyum pada hujan
Aku ... cemburu

Aku cemburu, ya Allah, aku cemburu

Pantas, kah, aku cemburu?

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Commuter Line, 5 Desember 2019